I found myself sobbing in the car as I was driving to my final day of healer training with one of my mentors, David Elliott, this past weekend. The work has a way of bringing stuff up. I was triggered when I, for some mysterious reason, started thinking about what a shitty waitress I was at age 24.
I started thinking about this other waitress who never messed up the orders or spilled drinks, and within minutes I connected my giving the wrong salad to table 22 to my struggles with dyslexia in elementary school, and even my parent’s lives and our ancestral legacy.
As a healer, a major part of my work is to heal myself. To travel back in time to that 24 year old girl and find a way to communicate with her.
I was sensitive at that job. The owner was a womanizer, the energy of that place was toxic. I could tell you some stories. At the time I blamed my nervousness in that environment on myself. Just like, as a child, I blamed my struggles in school on myself, not on the stress I was experiencing at home, nor my fascist-in-training 1st grade teacher.
And yeah, we all have personal responsibility for creating the life we want. But a lot of the time, flourishing is simply about placing ourselves in the right environment.
I remember when as he was firing me, my boss held my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re just not a waitress, Amanda.” So patronizing. But you know what? He was right. I’m not a waitress. I’m the Oracle of f*cking Los Angeles.
If only I knew then what was possible. Now my clients hold my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me how much I helped them. They tell me I am a healer, a writer, a witch. Now I am in the right place, doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
If you’re feeling wounded right now, thinking about all the ways that you’ve gone wrong, take a look around you. Are there reasons outside yourself that could be contributing to your feeling of discomfort? Maybe, like me, you’re a desert flower. Maybe you need a specific environment to find your full bloom.
Instead of blaming yourself, focus on creating the right environment for you to flourish and grow. You’ll find your real people there waiting for you.